i’m tired

27.05.2024

Death, something people are scared to talk about, is also something that can bring family and friends closer together. It's a universal experience, yet one shrouded in uncertainty about when it will occur. It could happen now, tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. Death has always puzzled me, even when I was little. Where do we really go when we D-I-E? 

When I contracted Covid-19, the fear of dying left my system because it may or may not happen to me. It took that fear away, and I counted all the good memories and deeds, thinking they could still lead me to heaven. It hit me then: Where do we really go? No one knows except for the Bible or Quran, because no one has visited the afterlife and returned. It’s a one-way ticket, an Apollo flight with no turning back.

These past few days, I've been questioning my existence again in this life. Am I here to experience suffering, considering I've already had my share of heaven and success, only to be returned to the abyss of life where I started? Honestly, some days I just want to accept defeat, to be freed from all these challenges life is throwing at me. It's tiring and exhausting.

My system can’t handle any more of this; I feel like I just want to shut down, to turn off like a computer, and be thrown out into the dump, forgotten.

It's disheartening that I question my existence most days and have nobody to talk to about it, not even my closest friends. All I hear from them is that life is beautiful and it's a phase everyone goes through. But what if I tell them that I don’t see the beauty of life most days and that I don’t want to go through it? What will be their response? Silence? An emoji? A GIF? as a way of dodging the question.

And I guess I’m reverting back to that old version of myself, pretending that everything is okay, but deep down, I'm just operating on autopilot. Counting the hours of the day and waiting for the next day to happen. I try to cope every day and not think about not being in this world, but I still stumble upon it. I still think about it in every waking thought of my daily life.

I don’t plan to end my life, or I’m still preventing myself from doing so, but I guess scheduled or organic death is ideal because I wouldn’t be the one deciding if it’s time to go, but rather the Universe. Bottom line is, I’m sad, and I don’t know where to go or if I still have the energy to find a way to fight this depressive feeling that I experience most days.

I guess writing this is a cry for help because I have nowhere else to turn. I’m stuck in my own pity party and refuse to bring people in just to gain their sympathy.

Crying alone, feeling blank, and asking myself what’s happening has become routine for me. When I'm around people, I can't be vulnerable, and when I'm texting with a friend, I play the diplomatic or playful role, unable to say, “Hey, I’m down, can you comfort me?” If I go—who knows when—at least during the happiest days of my life, I can say I was very happy. Now, I'm deep in the dumps and can't bring myself up to see the light. That’s why I’m here writing this.

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