i don't want to be sad anymore

 11.04.2024

"I Don't Want to Be Sad Forever" are the lyrics to Lauv's song that always makes me tear up. Those words always hit home because, like him, sadness can be my worst enemy.

Ever since I was little, I've always craved eternal happiness like the ones you see in every Disney movie. A happy ending after every challenge in life. But in reality, I've only experienced life struggles and am still waiting for my Disney moment.

A couple of months ago, I watched the new remake of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." I always caught myself crying, maybe because I wished for that kind of happiness that Charlie gives to people, based on his personal experience. Giving happiness if you feel sadness. But right now, can I be selfish for myself a little bit? Because I just want to have that moment for myself.

Maybe my childhood was too sad that even the inner child of my younger self departed. I grew up fast, that's what my therapist said. And yes, I did.

Who wouldn't grow up fast and abandon their youth if their father, who's supposed to guide them along the way, has died? At the age of 10, I was already fatherless, and by the age of 13, my mom had to move to the USA to help my sister take care of her children and eventually petition us to move there. But everything went left, and the American dream was abandoned.

During those days, I always felt bad for myself that it didn't happen. But looking back, I guess it's for the best. I would've been even more sad if I moved there. After 3 years, my mom moved back because she couldn't bear the loneliness and longing, which I did understand. But it was a tough couple of years for my childhood, because I was in charge of keeping the house together and doing the laundry. If you think about it, a young teenager shouldn't have to manage that yet; they should be a child and figure out life.

I grew up with little to no friends since we were not really allowed to play outside growing up. Playdates were not a thing in our household. House chores were the thing instead, from doing the dishes, folding laundry, to cooking rice. For the most part, I didn't complain; I took it as training instead.

I dedicated my downtimes to doodling and humming, which eventually led to singing. It became my outlet for joy and sadness. I can still remember during nap time when my parents were asleep, I would play ABBA's "Money Money Money" at a low volume and pretend that I was performing in front of an audience.

I wish I could go back to my younger years so that I can somewhat change things if given the chance, because that child was emotionally hurt, and I still carry him with me from time to time.

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                                                               Sad Forever- Lauv