my mind and me

26.03.2024

Today, my mood started off on an ordinary note, neither soaring with joy nor weighed down by sorrow. However, as the day unfolded, I found myself gradually sinking into a subdued state. To counter this descent, I busied myself with various tasks, seeking solace in distraction.

Occasionally, I retreat into the silence within my own mind, yearning for a world akin to that of "The Truman Show," shielded from the cacophony of distractions and the perils of reality. Alternatively, I fantasize about dwelling in a utopian enclave reminiscent of "Don’t Worry Darling," where everything exudes an idyllic 1950s charm.

Yet, reality tethers me here, where films serve as our refuge from the tumultuous world we inhabit. Why must plans falter, and unforeseen obstacles disrupt the flow of life? Can one truly attain perpetual happiness without encountering any setbacks?

Many espouse the notion that we forge our own happiness and should strive to overcome sadness. However, I pose a question to these advocates: Do they believe I willingly embrace this emotional turmoil? Do they assume I derive pleasure from this state of being?

The answer is a resounding no. I harbor a fervent desire for life to unfold seamlessly, akin to the scripted perfection of a Disney movie. Alas, I find myself ensnared in the unscripted reality TV of my existence, grappling with frustrations and unrealized aspirations.

Nonetheless, I cling steadfastly to my aspirations. My plan is concrete: diligently save for two years, obtain the necessary accreditations, and embark on a journey to Norway. This Nordic haven beckons, offering professional opportunities that align with my skills, requiring only the mastery of its language—a task not insurmountable. In solitude, or at least with ample alone time, I envisage exploring the depths of my being.

I hold onto the hope that these ambitions will materialize, anchoring my sanity amid life's tempests, enabling me to delve deeper into self-discovery.

Life, though cherished, often seems indifferent to my existence. It manifests as an ongoing struggle, devoid of clear demarcations between commencement and conclusion. Unlike the fairy tale allure of Cinderella, where a prince rescues and assures eternal happiness, reality demands resilience.

Indeed, the nightly embrace of solitude or the comforting pat on one's own shoulder serves as a solemn reminder of my presence and worthiness of joy.

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My mind and me we don't get along sometimes. Selena Gomez.